Energies are really amping up right now and everyone is getting what they deserve, including myself.
While many blessings are rolling my way that I am beyond grateful for, there is a karmic debt that I am in the last legs of having finally paid off.
This involves clearing a house that I had accidentally cursed..... and... ummm..... intentionally cursed.
I was 17 when I met my first husband who was 26 at the time. While this age difference definitely begs a lot of judgement, I was too naïve to notice. I just thought I was 'so cool' to have an older boyfriend.
By the time I was 21 we were married and his parents decided we should purchase a home together. Our relationship and lifestyle was micromanaged by his family and though I was young and easily manipulated, I did feel the discomfort of the unhealthy control structure.
His parents chose the house (of course), and he qualified because I had done a good job of managing his finances up to that point. However, they made certain that my name was nowhere on it.
He told me repeatedly "I am buying this house so that our children will always have a home."
I took his words to heart and trusted and believed him.
We lived there for a few years where I enacted the typical American life of a housewife, giving birth to my son and then my daughter and raising them in our home. I kept the place clean and tidy like a good wife would, and learned how to cook so I could have nice meals ready for my husband when he arrived home from work at the end of the day.
Fast Forward to Divorce
I'll spare you the sordid details of why I chose to leave him. Suffice to say, I wasn't a child anymore and I was beginning to step into my maturity and a desire for a life beyond being a stay at home mother and wife.
Our relationship was based more in his desire to 'have the wife and kids' then it was in a true connection. I was longing to begin the journey of pursuing my dream of a college education which he adamantly opposed.
I was miserable and growing more so by the day. His family recognized my abilities and shamed me for them, doing their best to 'keep me in my place' as a young female married into the family should.
Leaving him was a challenge. I had little support from friends and family.
"How can you leave him, your children are so young, it's just wrong." My so called friends would admonish.
"It's hard to survive on your own in the world honey, stay with him at least until the kids are grown." My mother begged me.
As I reflect on that time in my life, I can't believe I had the courage to do it despite all of the condemnation I faced.
But I didn't care. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to live my life according to MY truth, not to his ideal of having a wife to call his property.
There was no love... I was controlled, owned, neglected and abused. I couldn't take it anymore.
Do Not Take Another Item from this House
When I moved out of the house, naturally I was plucking my pictures from the walls and gathering up my kitchen towels and needed necessities for my little apartment I had rented.
Understandably he was in pain over the dissolution of our marriage and here I was adding insult to injury by removing those items which made the house feel like a 'home'.
When he said to me in his threatening tone of voice he reserved for those moments when nobody else was around to witness "do not take another item from this house" I was legitimately afraid (part of the reason I left him was due to physical abuse).
Also, I felt bad because I felt the pain behind his anger.
In that moment I decided to go ahead and let the items of home décor stay and go ahead and replace them with new for myself. Which I did. Sure my hair dryer and make up was still in the bathroom drawers, oil lamps from my teen years still sat on the shelf, and various other items which belonged to me prior to the marriage got left behind.
But whatever! I was FREE!! FREE FREE FREE!!!!!
And that was all that mattered to me.
The Freezer Spell
Once I was out of the marriage and on my own, the reality of having to interact with him for the time share of the children was beginning to take on it's own new control abuse dynamic.
He was spiteful and angry as was his family.
How dare I leave him, they held in their Auras. As if I did them some terrible injustice for no longer allowing them to have full control of my life and energy.
It began to get ugly.
How did my magical self decide to handle the situation?
I put a picture of him in the freezer. 🙂
It was a lovely little trick (I believed at the time) to stop someone from causing you harm or trouble of any kind.
True to energetic principle, it worked.
I was finally liberated from the control drama he and his family exerted over my life and I went on to get my degree and successfully raise my children as a single mom. It wasn't easy, but I did it, and I was happy.
A wonderful aspect of the freezer spell is that it doesn't cause harm to the individual, they simply direct all their negative energy that would otherwise be focused on you in another direction.
Perhaps because he was unable to direct it at me personally, he directed it instead on the energy of mine which was left in the house. He began to arrange and rearrange his furniture. Constantly and continuously making modifications in his home.
A weeping willow tree which lived in the far back corner of the lot began to lose it's leaves, and instead of nursing it back to health... He chopped it down.
I became a career college student and moved on with my life.
He remarried and moved out of state, leaving the house to his brother to steward and his parents to cover the mortgage.
Being that his brother suffered from his own depression, he attracted roommates which reflected that and the house declined and suffered from layer upon layer of abuse, neglect, and sadness until it became something of a home you might see on an episode of hoarders.
Message from My Guides
After receiving my Reiki Master training I committed fully to developing myself as a healer. This involved clearing and correcting any imbalances I carried within my personal energy field.
My Guides informed me that I needed to remove him from the freezer.
Hahaha.... Yes... 10 years later.... he was STILL in the freezer.
What?! It was working! Why mess with it?
But I recognized and respected the message so I took his photo out of the freezer.
Gazing at it, I noticed it was a photo of him in the backyard of our house around the fountain we built together. It really was a lovely photo. It didn't occur to me at the time that the photo of him also included the house....
The Mascara Stain
Ahhh the joys of evolution.
As my Reiki Master attunements began to do their work, all the unaddressed wounding in my life came oozing up to the surface to be addressed.
It wasn't pretty.
"I got this!" I told myself as I dug out my old journals. Opening them to the tear soaked pages of the most painful moments of my life, I sent myself Reiki to heal those wounds which so deeply struck the core of my being. Many of them written during my first marriage.
One of those such moments was a time when I was almost three months pregnant and experiencing severe pain and cramping. Not having Google at the time, I didn't know what was going on.
Fearful, I pleaded with him to take me to the emergency room. Dismissing me, he said it was his bedtime and he had work in the morning."Leave me alone and let me sleep." He made it clear I was not to annoy him with my needs.
I remember crying so hard in the bathroom. Standing there with my face in the wall just crying and praying and crying and praying. The mascara from my lashes leaving a smudgy black stain on the paint of the bathroom wall.
To comfort myself I made a bath, and bled into it all night long as I miscarried.
But I remember also that in that intense moment of suffering a calm came over me and I had a sense of knowing that I would be okay. And I was, I got through it.
I sent myself Reiki for that moment of my life, and as I sent it I could recall feeling myself receiving it ten years prior. Amazing right?
Immediately following my Reiki training I had a Saturn Conjunct Sun transit along with other challenging aspects.
Within a months time I lost my job and all of my other passive sources of income. Had I been living within my means this would not have been an issue.
But I wasn't.
I had built a lifestyle of affluence which I was killing myself to maintain so when bad luck struck, it struck hard.
I found myself having yard sales selling my belongings to make my rent while desperately searching for a new job that would replace my rather high income I was accustomed to having.
When reality set in that I was not going to be able to afford to keep the beautiful (and ridiculously expensive) home I was renting, I reached out to my ex husband to let him know I needed to move and being that I had the children I needed help.
He told me that I could rent the house we bought when we were married. All I had to do was talk to his brother about it.
When I met with him, the brother, he informed me that the house was in a dire state of disrepair but if I was willing to clean it out and repair it I could rent it for the cost of the mortgage if I was willing to roommate with him (the house had gotten so bad it wasn't livable so he was staying with his parents).
What commenced was a solid month of me dedicating every second of my every day to multiple trips to the dump, pulling out carpet, repainting the entire house, and enlisting the kids help we dedicated ourselves to the intensive deep cleaning of every nook and cranny in an effort to restore the condition of the home of their birth.
As I did so I discovered a painful truth.
Beneath the layers and layers of filth left behind from his brother and the various shady roommates he had had over the years..... at the very bottom of all of it.... were my personal belongings that my ex husband bullied me to leave behind.
And that black mascara smudge from that fated night of my painful miscarriage, still on the wall of the bathroom. I took a moment for it before painting over.
Being that I am so sensitive to and aware of energy I reflected on how my energy may have been affected by this awful energy which was stacked upon it for such a span of time.
As I gave it all Reiki, it hit me.
Had I inadvertently froze the house in an energetic place and time when I put the photo of my ex in the freezer?
Was this whole situation centered around me having to go free my personal energy from being locked up in this festering pit of trash that was once a beautiful home for my children?
Despite the disappointing set of circumstances I was facing which led me to have to humble myself, move out of my gorgeous home a mansion compared to the squalor I was doing my best to clean so my kids wouldn't catch MRSA living in the place... It was all perhaps divine providence and a necessary experience for me to have to clear and free my energy which was locked there and lift the spell I had accidently placed which froze it in a depressed and angry energy of time.
Once I had finally completed the monumental task of cleaning this house and freeing my energy and painting it and restoring it to a point where it was not only livable but nicely done, we moved in.
Not even a month later, guess what happens?
The brother decides the house is so beautiful and livable that he wants to move his girlfriend and her kids into the place.
Problem was, I was living in it with my kids. You know, the kids that were born in that house. The kids whom their father promised would always have a home (excuse my rising anger at the injustice of this situation).
He needed me out.
So he handled the situation like any low vibrational, petty, manipulative person would.
He falsified accusations against me to attack and slander my character as a person and a mother. He even went so far as to involve local agencies in an effort to bully me with the system so I would move out of the house so he could take it.
Being that his family all hosted severe pack attachments, they targeted me in a form of persecution which was so reminiscent of the age of witch burning, I'm surprised they didn't all show up with torches and pitch forks to attack me with!
Of course I was flabbergasted.
I mean, I totally got that of course the exes family wasn't going to like me because I did leave their son after all. No amount of cleaning and house repair was going to redeem myself of that degree of unacceptable insult.
But the kids! I mean come on! They power tripped so hard that they took glorious ego satisfaction in kicking them out of the house that we just spent an entire month cleaning and remodeling (all expenses for which came out of my pocket on by the way).
WHAT THE F***!?!?!?!!??!
In that moment I lost all respect for them. Not that I had much to begin with, but any person who could betray their own grandchildren/niece/nephew in such a horrid way must be severely morally corrupt.
Traumatized... I moved the kids and I out and found another place to rent while his brother and girlfriend happily skipped into the house I just cleaned, repaired, painted and remodeled. YOUR WELCOME
Of course I was angry. I was SO angry. I just couldn't wrap my mind around how monumentally screwed over not just I was, but the kids too! I can let go of betrayal done to myself, but when it involves my kids the Momma Bear in me shows her claws.
So yes, I cursed the house. I admit it. And at the time I felt oh soooooo very justified.
Karma and Penance
Following that insanely bizarre experience of betrayal I completely disassociated from the exes entire family. No more invitations were extended to the grandparents for birthdays or elementary school graduations. No more social media association was offered to them so they could see pictures and event updates of the kids lives.
They were all completely and totally cut off and out of my life. I don't associate with people like that, family or not.
Time went on and I had no idea how events were unfolding for them and I honestly didn't think on it. I had my own life to be living.
4 Years Later
It wasn't until my recent experience I wrote about in Ghost Webs and Fairy Tells, with my now ex fiancé and his property that the emotional charge from the circumstance that I endured came up triggered into my consciousness.
As I cleared and cleaned and improved his property in Kingston I was reliving the same emotional experience I had with my kids stolen house. The same scenario took place only with different cast members.
I went in, cleared and improved the property, lifted age old curses (not ones I placed, unless it was a past life self I've forgotten lol) only to have someone come along and steal it away from me once all the work was complete.
No gratitude, just completely screwed over, AGAIN.
My son is a legal adult now and looking to get a place of his own with his girlfriend the fates would have it that he ends up 'renting' a room from his uncle in the stolen house of his birth.
The condition of the home being in even worse shape then it was before I cleared it the first time, my germaphobic energy sensitive heart was breaking for him to be living in such terrible conditions. The place was swarming with ants, rats, and more layers of filth to replace that which I cleaned out four years prior.
The uncle demanded that his nephew pay half the mortgage and half the utilities and if they don't do their dishes he sends a picture of the dirty dish to his mother to sick her attachments on my son to attack. Because that's just how that family rolls apparently (still working through releasing judgment on that). OH and he told my son that he's not allowed to burn any incense in the home (I had stocked him up with Palo Santo and resins to clear his room at the very least but the entities in his uncles energy of course wouldn't have it).
Anyway.... Being the loving mother that I am I could not bear to see my son living that way.
I offer to do some cleaning in his house. Some Momma cleaning and clearing.
Concerned that I would upset the uncle and suffer attack from the entities and demons which rule him I wasn't entirely sure how to go about it but my desire for my son to live in peace without being subjected to that awful energy drove my motivation to get it done.
On a day when his uncle was at work I went in on a ninja house clearing and cleaning mission!
It was dripping and oozing in darkness. Entities, demons, attachments, and all manner of deep emotional pain clung to the rooms embedded in the curtains, walls, ceiling, and floors.
I broke out all my biggest guns, the Phurba, the Singing Bowl, Durga, Palo Santo, Osha, Copal, Sweetgrass, Bells... Reiki and clearing and oh my Goddess I felt like it would never stop clearing. I salted the areas of the house I could reach. Cleared the thresholds with Osha spray, wiping them down along with the window sills.
Finally in the kitchen after I had cleared and cleared and didn't know what else could possibly be needed, I began to Tone in the manner that my colleague who is a sound healer does. Surrendering to the sound that was channeling through, I sang. I sang the tones of sounds that needed to be sung to release the pain and the darkness which infested the home of my children's birth. And as I did a deep welling of tears poured heavy from my eyes and my heart.
Love for the sink I bathed my first born child in.
Love for the stove I learned to cook on as a young wife.
Love for the tile on the counter I had placed and grouted myself.
Love for the large window door that I begged my husband to buy for me so we could have more light in the kitchen, now covered in spider webs and layers of dirt and grime... as I cleaned it I toned and cried and released the heavy wounding I never truly addressed after my failed marriage.
And then I knew that all the resentment I had held towards my exes family for behaving in such a way with the kids energetic birthright of a home was all completely unfounded.
They were simply responding to the manifestation of the energies which were embedded in the home.
The pain of the broken family because I left it and took my blessings of light with me.
The pain I sealed and froze in time because I put it in the freezer so I wouldn't have to deal with it.
The pain and depression it attracted amplified and reflected over that period of time through the law of attraction.
The curse I placed after they did me so damn dirty where I intended that they live bound by their own darkness they sought to inflict me with.
Darkness they did live with, but now again it has surfaced for me to be held to account for it.
To lift the curse I placed a second time.
The Kingston experience was my tenfold penance, the price I had to pay for cursing the house to begin with. I did it knowingly and so the payment was higher then before.
I learned my lesson and as we often do, I learned it the hard way.
My Take Away
My Guides have told me that my debt is paid. The Karma is lifted and I have cleared the energy I set into place wittingly and unwittingly. Now the house is free to be loved again, and it needs a lot of love.
I didn't realize when I put that picture in the freezer or when I lashed so hard at them energetically that my son who I cherish with all of my being would one day be preparing meals of his own at that oven I learned to cook on.
That the very sink I bathed him in would hold his dirty dishes that his uncle would energy attack him over, and that it could all be a result of the choices I had made with my own energy intentions.
Being powerful in energy holds such huge degrees of responsibility. My Guides have told me numerous times that the underdeveloped are like kindergarteners and yes they will bite and kick at me but I can't go around karate chopping them for it.
It's my role to help them grow, not punish them for being in an early state of development.
And it's an important lesson for me as a healer to show up with love and compassion for those who seek to do harm by me, because if I don't I'm being a hypocrite.
And I don't want to be a hypocrite. I want to be the best Healer I can be. Whatever I have to do to earn that, I will.
So now, with a face full of crow, I accept responsibility for the choices I made that were out of alignment. All of my judgment towards that family for their morally questionable behaviors was really based in my own self judgment because I knew they were kindergarteners and I chopped them anyway.
Harry Potter didn't go blaze his awful family that oppressed him. He just did his thing and they got their Karma.
I want to say that I hope they get their Karma for how dirty they did me and my kids, but I don't.
I just hope that house gets Love. It's the house that birthed them, and to me that is something that I hold Sacred.